Lucy the Rock

I’ve decided to name my magical rock Lucy. Lucy the Rock. Not as harmonious as Lucy the Elephant, which I was going to name my elephant object/ toy/ decor if I ever got one. No, Lucy the Rock it is.

After receiving Lucy as a present, I left her behind at her previous owner’s place. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!! I wrote about Lucy (see post below) and how she became an instant inspiration for the first half of my Sunday. I was so caught up in the inspiration that I lost track of time and had to run (well, almost literally) to work. It was only when my supervisor asked how my day was that I remembered I forgot Lucy on the desk. SHIT! How could I have forgotten my magical rock! I felt I was betraying Lucy and for that I’d have to pay the penalty of not having any wishes granted. Or just be denied of them altogether.

But I didn’t forget about thinking of a “legitimate wish” to wish upon Lucy! People say it’s the thought that counts, right? So if I was thinking of a wish while Lucy was waiting for me on my friend’s desk, everything will be okay? The universe is still right, time is passing, and life is happening… but I’m freaking out… a little bit. Then my friend tells me rocks are patient. It’s okay, Lucy the Rock will wait for me!

 

Two Perfect Circles

I’m having a weird morning. Weird in that I’m in my friends’ apartment by myself (they must trust me a lot), and weird that I’m in my friend’s room using her computer when she’s not home. I’m cold. There wasn’t nearly enough cover for my refuge on the pull-out couch last night. I’m wearing my jacket in the house, and my toes are not warming up in my socks. Weird that I’m having junk food for breakfast, and chocolate-covered butter cookies for lunch. A weird but inspired morning. Inspired because I’m in a place I’m not supposed to be (I’m still not used to the idea that my friends are okay with me staying at their place when they’re out -not that I have a problem with it). Inspired so that I’m sitting here and writing. Inspired because I am having a “moment”; one filled with uncertainty, unresolved feelings and all kinds of fleeting thoughts. But mostly inspired because the two people who live here inspire me.

A rock was given to me when I got out of bed this morning… but not before two bear hugs when I was still lazying around under the covers – I LOVE staying at my friends’! It was a rock from Cortes (I think; can’t really remember where she said now), a small island off the coast of Vancouver. This rock not only has a perfect circle, it has two: one inside another. Therefore it is magical. I am to make wishes. When the wishes come true I am to pass this rock along. I listened intently to the instructions and held the rock carefully in my hands. My friend wrapped both her hands around mine as if to bless me at a formal “pass-the-rock” ritual. I looked at her with a quizzical look, found all this a little too comedic and silly. (C’mon, it was early in the morning and I didn’t have my glasses on) She, however, was serious and certain of the magical qualities of this rock that I believed her wishes did come true. So I wrapped my hand around this dull, grey, and full of blemishes object that fits perfectly in my palm. I started thinking about my wishes. Wishes…. I don’t know if I have any wishes that are genuine and that do not only satisfy my personal desires. I dug deep in my chest of bottled thoughts and came up empty. I’m not sure I want to waste this rock with “unrealistic” wishes. Am I over-thinking? I held onto the rock and warmed it with my hands. All I could think about was how special this is. Maybe I don’t want my wishes to come true so I can keep the rock forever; so I remember what it was like to be handed a rock with two perfect circles…

 

What If It All Means Something

I turned twenty-three years of age today. Mom expelled me from her womb after nine months of careful nursing (and many more years after that, of course), and I am thankful for her doing so. I am thankful for the life that God has given me; I am thankful for the things and opportunities I have, the privileges I enjoy, the friendships I treasure, and the love I feel. I am also thankful for the tribulations and trials I’ve had so far because it is through them that I grow and learn.

Speaking of growing and learning, here a list of things that’s been on my mind lately (would’ve liked to expand each into a post of their own, but alas… time is short on hand lately):

1. I am SO SO SO afraid of growing old. Sure, at 23 you think I’m just at my prime and I’m too young to worry about old age (or even TALK about being old). But it’s the fact that time flies by too quickly that I feel I may be missing out on life. That’s the scary part. Not living life to the fullest or wasting my days away, only to realize after how much of my time I had thrown out the window. Not to mention going at it ALONE…

2. The technological age has made me rethink my decision to have children. Kids nowadays are immersed in technology so much that it disgusts me. It irks me that their childhood consists of youtube, facebook, twitter and they plays with toys like iPods, iPhones, iPads, and/or Blackberries instead of singing nursery rhymes and constructing with Lego. I can’t stand being buried in technology. We depend on it so much that we’ve lost a good portion of our authenticity and “real” human connection.

3. My passion for theatre and film has dissipated a little ever since the spring semester ended. I suppose it’s partly due to finishing the film portion of my studies. My education felt like it came to an abrupt end. I am left with skills but no tools to pursue my goals further in the industry. These goals seem so far-fetched that the passion for it eventually subsided and shelved aside for the time being. As for theatre, I am continuously immersed in projects. From one right next to the other, with few or no breaks in between. It looks great on my resume, but it’s taking a toll on my passion.

4. This is kind of an extension from the 3rd point. I recently overheard/observed a conversation between a friend and her friend that made me question the reasons why I make art. It has shaken my roots quite a bit. I was once told I was lucky to have found the subjects I’m passionate about so early on in my education career (so I know what to focus on immediately in university). But why do I bother? What does art do? Sure, it’s therapeutic and inspiring, but who’s to say that this is contributing to a better world? How does art make the world a better place?

For example/ tangent: one of my pet peeves is sustainability/ recycling. I am serious to the point that I’d take the (unused) napkins home from restaurants… or wrap left-overs in napkin instead of using a Styrofoam box. In the film and theatre production world, we create A LOT of waste. Like, tons. And people don’t recycle. There are no recyclables. All garbage. They do whatever it is necessary to capture an image, to transform words onto the stage, or.get things done quickly and efficiently. They don’t take care of the earth and instead use up the resources! This whole “is art doing good” discussion and debate still constantly goes on in my head.

5. Skunks have been crossing my paths for the past year or two. Like, one a couple of days ago, before my birthday. And instances close to home… Not that I’m superstitious, but I am really starting to think that it’s hinting at something.

6. I really really really want to travel. I want to explore the world and expand my horizons. I don’t want to get comfortable in Vancouver or anywhere else because I want life to be constantly challenging and interesting. I have an epic CAN/US road-trip planned. Venice is also another stop on the tourist map. Hopefully next summer, when I’ve saved up enough…

Whew. That was good to get out. Thanks, brain, for still holding up. I guess you don’t feel the age… yet… either.

 

Policy 5.45

(post drafted in May)

Last night before I headed to bed, I went downstairs to say goodnight to mom and was caught by the TV program she was watching. It was a current events talk show in Mandarin where they featured 3 panellists to have a discussion about the Burnaby school board’s newest proposed policy 5.45.

This draft policy is to hopefully “change the attitude” towards the LGBTQ community in schools and support youth who identifies as queer (I guess they caught on the numbers of suicides due to hate crimes or bullying towards homosexuals and wanted to do something about it). Basically, if this policy passes, the school board will include a section in the elementary school curriculum where teachers are required by law to teach kids what each of L, G, B, T, and Q means.

I knew it was a dangerous thin line I was treading when I stayed and watched the whole debate with her. There I was, sitting less than 3 feet away from her and holding a very different opinion and view on gays than her own. In a Christian household, homosexuality is something that we should unanimously agree on: “wrong”. Little does she know that her precious little daughter is hiding in the closet. Well, sort of. It’s a little complicated. Regardless, the topic is incredibly sensitive. During the entire show I was desperately hoping she doesn’t ask what I think. She would nod and agree vocally with the host, panelist, and the audience calling-in to the show.

How do I tell her that I disagree with the majority of conservative Asian parents in her generation? How do I tell her that I play on the same team? She’s already mad enough as it is when she found out I voted NDP in the latest election that won Harper a majority government.

The next morning, after church service, I was reluctantly pushed to a table covered in petition forms against the policy. They had been printed by the church and signed by several dozens of people in the congregation. An Elder of the church watched over me and my brother’s shoulders, aggressively urging us to put our names down on the form. I stood there, feeling nothing but panic. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. As more urging came from behind me, I picked up a pen slowly. It was as if I was going to sign my life away. I stared at the paper and started to read the statements opposing the policy. I looked at my brother, and he seemed hesitant as much as I am reluctant. I lowered my pen at the lines in slow motion and waited desperately for something to take me away from the table.

I was lucky to have escaped the signing when my mom called for us. I immediately dropped the pen and pretended I had already signed the petition when I walked away. My brother followed. The Elder was hustling more people –who may or may not even have heard of the policy– to the table. I was relieved, but was the scolded by my mom when she found out that I didn’t actually sign the petition. I couldn’t! I wanted to shout. But I just kept quiet and walked in silence. Everything that happened made me despise the church more. If I didn’t before, I did now.

Eventually the policy was passed (though not before several protests against and rallies for it occurred). I had wanted to show my support by going out to the rallies, but the thought of my mom realizing I’m on the other side of the fence was too risky. I will have to continue my hiding… for now. The thing that saddens me the most is that church and home are the most suffocating places of all shelters. I can be who I want to be when I’m working on shows or involved in theatre. I can be who I am when I’m with my friends.

The theme at the Vancouver Pride this year is “Celebrate”. I wish I could…

 

The World and Me

Lots of things are happening in the world lately what with US government shut-down controversy, Japan earthquakes and tsunami, and the minority government re-election in the homeland… But lots of things are also happening in the micro-world of mine. In this new digital age, I’ve seem to shortened my attention span. I lose interest in reading long articles that are of the informative nature, watch videos half-way through, can’t focus on completing one simple task and would move on to something else or get distracted.

I suppose this is the problem a lot of kids today have. No doubt it’s giving parents headaches. I mean, while I recognize that it’s an alarming issue, I don’t know what I can do about it other than the good ol’ will-power to restrain myself. Since my attention spans have gotten shorter, so have the thoughts that linger in my head. They come and go really quickly, and if I don’t grasp it right then, I may never find it back.

[insert case-in-point tangent off on SFU LipDub happenings. 15mins later: I'm back here, pondering exactly what was the point I was trying to make]

I guess all it comes down to is that because my world is a little crazy at the moment, I can’t process other worldly information (that might be of importance but would require investigation and understanding). The good news is that once my world is not so insane any more, I’d start to pay more attention, probably. I am at picture lock with my grad film. So that means I finally move onto sound work! And I’ve just finished one short documentary as a final project for another class. I was very proud of myself I managed to make it somewhat decent! Things are certainly coming to a close now that the semester’s over, but I am still functioning in post-production mode and handling full work-loads.

Today in the Burnaby Newsleader (our local newspaper), I read that an online identity is like a tattoo: even though it is in the cyber world, it can leave a long-lasting mark if not maintained properly and carefully. The metaphor struck me. Everyone has, to a certain degree of prominence, a version of themselves on the internet. But I would think that those images of us would be the best ones we present. Because, let’s admit it, we are intelligent animals with egos. We’d go at lengths to let others know about our accomplishments. Who really wants to create bad impressions? So I’ve never thought about the negative consequences of poor choices that reflect in the images of us on the interwebz. Maybe because I have none -or so I think- I’ve neglected to see the other, ugly side of a virtual identity. Or maybe it’s because I still approach every bit of information I receive from the internet with skepticism.

Whatever may be the reason, this “good” and “bad” stuff is purely objective. I think what we can do is create the best representations of ourselves on the ‘net. When I say best I do not wholly mean “positive”, I also mean the most accurate reflections of our own uniqueness. That is the only way we can do ourselves justice.

 

Blame Facebook

I finally figured out why I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. There’s this thing called Facebook which I’m sure you’re all familiar with. Well, as much as I hate devoting my time to it, their facebook chat function has me chatting up with friends I wouldn’t otherwise have time to hang out with. So all my “written” words have been taken away to compose colloquial language! Argh, I feel slightly cheap. I keep wanting to do write more creatively (still have yet to finish that “feature” script and a whole bunch of short stories I started) and blog interestingly more often… (I think I talk about this all the time, yet nothing’s changed)

I finally hung out with my best friend after over a month of not seeing each other. I’ll admit that I was angry and disappointed at her for not being supportive enough of my film shoot back in January, so this period of falling out may have been partly intentional. I missed her birthday and her getting a new job after graduation… a lot has been going on in her life and I wasn’t there for her (not that she necessarily needed me there). But seeing her again after all this time feels different, like something’s changed.

She feels more sophisticated, but she’s still the best friend I love… I love her and I’d still call her my bestie, but there are things I couldn’t share with her because I know it has the potential to sour our friendship. Un-mentionable (yet exciting, methinks) things happening in my life that she would find uncomfortable, thus making me awkward in sharing them… and sometimes it sucks because it’s starting to become a part of my life, and if I don’t share it I’m not sharing all aspects of my life! But I love her so much that I don’t ever want to ruin what we have… Someone thought my girl-crush has always been my best friend. And after tonight I’m starting to question myself if she is… maybe I just miss her so much (and wishes that I could tell her everything) that it’s starting to drive me crazy!!!

I don’t know.

Ahhh, feelings are complicated. End of story.

 

2010 Summation and Reflection

If you can let go that easily, then the fault of the hurt I feel lies in myself for I placed more weight and value on our friendship than you ever did — this is how I felt for the last few months of 2010. But I’ve come to the realization (at the advice of close friends) that some friendships are disposable and rather small in significance compared to the life-long ones I should be focused on. I shouldn’t have gotten so hung up on the miscommunication, misunderstandings and general confusion that occurred. No doubt it has greatly affected my emotions, but I’ve learned to look at the bigger picture. Perhaps this is all for the better. I can’t change people’s pre-conceptions of me. I’ve got to tell myself to let things go more easily… or put less weight on my friendships and not expect so much in return from friends. (Funny, this sounds exactly like a post back in March)

While men were busy growing mustaches in November, I was running around the city catching shows – 14, to be exact. I think that was the height of my entertainment expenses this year, at $113 for tickets alone.

October had me working on 3 film shoots. I also attended my very first VIFF and pumpkin patch, and saw Chantal Kreviazuk live with the VSO.

September was a busy month. I was away for 5 days on Bowen Island shooting a film the first week school started, which was right after I went on a 4-day road trip on Vancouver Island with my family. Then I worked on another film shoot and at Woodward’s.

The two summer months of July and August were all work and not really any play. It felt like I was working full-time at our school that had yet to open then. But I did get to see Joan Jett live at the PNE at the end of August, and I managed to pass my summer linguistics class without going to 3/4 of the lectures (there goes my tuition!) OOOh, I almost forgot: I stage managed Resounding Scream Theatre’s production of Brink: a farce tragedy. And apparently I started being a fan of The Veronicas (thanks, Joyce).

May and June were chillaxing months. Except for the occasional shifts at work, shows, film screenings and a private screening of my film Straight Forward, my calendar looks pretty blank…

I think I was still finishing my video back in April. I was taking 3 classes, saw a couple of shows and attended a birthday party over which I lost a dear friend. Later in the year (just a couple of months ago) we got over it and became friends again… though I’m pretty sure all her friends still hate me.

March was a busy birthday month although I don’t think I was busy playing Santa. Other than shooting my video and school, nothing much happened.

Vancouver was decked in Olympic spirit in February. I wasn’t especially ecstatic but I enjoyed it. I went to see a whole bunch of free shows at the Place des Francophone on Granville Island. And during those two weeks off I AD’d a film.

January marked my employment with SFU Woodward’s. I also worked on a 4th-year film (I am now 4th-year myself). And it looks like I started the year on a pretty low end (re-reading my own blog posts) because I was confused and stuck between a rock and a hard place – which was the catalyst that led to the fallout between my friend and I in April.

I can’t believe this has been my year. Sounds like I’ve accomplished a lot, and time was partly wisely-spent. I feel like I should have learned a lot, too, but reading back on my blog posts, it doesn’t seem like I’ve grown much (despite making a major decision). I still get tripped by the same problems when it comes to friendship. It is not as easy as I thought… but I will continue to work on it!

Here’s to hoping the year to come be filled with laughter, joy, happiness, and spontaneity, friends!

 

Just Is

Why do we feel the need to justify everything? Why do we feel a need to answer every question? Can’t we leave questions unanswered? Can’t anything be just anything? And even if the answer is justifiable/-ied, does it really make it more valuable and truthful than it is?

Sometimes the truth just is. Like how love just is. You can’t justify it nor can you explain it when its magic has you under its spells.

 

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Breaths of Fresh Air

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away.

If you observe carefully, you may be able to find times every day that takes your breaths away. And it’s those breaths of fresh air that keeps you in check. Whether it’s a wonderful delight or an ugly revelation, it helps to ground us in reality.

However rare, I try to remember these moments and turn them into writing inspirations at the end of the night. But sometimes when they are the ugly revelation kind, I try to not think about it too much. There’s too much ugliness in this world that it’d trap you in eternal depression if you are too pessimistic.

Being ignorant then means not changing the world for the better and possibly making it someone else’s burden. You proceed to wish that you breathed the wonderful delight kind instead. You hope that those problems will not catch up to you, that you’d be long dead before any of it becomes a state-of-emergency.

Then, at the end of the night when all is quiet and calm, you breathe deep and wish that someone was with you; to sit in the silence and enjoy breaths of fresh air with you.