Next to Never

Have I told you that I’m writing a story? I can’t remember if I did. I am becoming very inconsistent with my posts, and even more inconsistent in my stream of consciousness when I’m writing here.

I told a friend who thought I had a crush on her about my actual crush tonight. I had avoided the topic because there really isn’t anything to say about it. It was a non-existent friendship and more of a acquaintanceship. I may have made the wrong moves and it might have forever jeopardized our chances of getting together. It seems like I’ve always unconsciously pushed my crushes away. Either I come on too strong, pushed too hard and sounded too desperate. Oh, my unrequited love.

And now for something nostalgic: I went to the Karaoke with my English-speaking friends today, and this song wasn’t on their playlist — No, I’m not directing this to anyone; if I did it’d be crush-suicide and my chances will literally be next to never! Heard it on the radio recently and I just love this song so much…

 

I’m a T-Rex

Today started off in a strange mood. I ran to work because I’d missed the bus when I waited for my breakfast to heat up… it was a 13-hr shift, no less, and I had every intention to be mentally prepared. But I was late and it took me a while to pull myself in to the right head space.

Nothing felt “right”. I was agitated, restless in the heart, and just wasn’t in it. I spent the whole day wondering what was wrong. I worked with admirable people, hung out briefly with friends during my meal breaks, and cherished the moments with the people I love… seems like a perfectly enjoyable day to me. Then it clicked: friendships. That’s what’s fucking me up!

Ever since that incident last winter I haven’t been able to get over the “friendship” thing. Granted, everyone choses their friends – intentional or not. We all have certain people that we “click” with, and others who we wish were our friends but are “too good for us” or “out of our reach” (…which is ironically much like crushes). Then there’s also a difference in the weight each person places on the friendship. How much I value you doesn’t guarantee that you value me as much as I do, therefore resulting in disappointment or even hurtfulness (again, much like romantic love).

I have been known (or maybe I just think it’s out there) to take my friendships too seriously. I love my friends. I treat them all real nicely – perhaps too generously, and I sometimes re-prioritize my to-do’s so that friends-related events float to the top. And sometimes (all too automatically), I expect them to do the same sacrifices… which is unreasonable to ask, I may realize afterwards, only after sadness caused by disappointment. And then I find myself in this continuous cycle of fresh friendships. It’s like I’m having multiple short flings that come in waves. Once they pass they’re tossed away and I welcome new ones.

There are few friendships in my life that I’d call long-lasting. Most of those I used to know in school have lost contact (pffft, facebook doesn’t count), and lots of people I worked with are now “colleagues” or mere acquaintances, not friends. (Yes there is a difference.) So when there are so few that I can keep going back to and that they’re busy when I need them, I find myself searching for fresh new ones to talk to. Not that it’s a bad thing, but somehow this seems to happen a lot. Old, close friends would be too busy for me, so these new friends who haven’t gotten tired of me are willing to hang out, discover who each others are and explore the world together as new friends. (I mean, everyone can use a beer buddy or two, right?)

Which brings me to my real point of reflection: I seem to butcher my friendships. I don’t know if I am doing this purposely, but somehow and for some strange reason I can secretly sabotage what I’ve started to build with my new friend… thus causing total destruction of said friendship. Well, I may not have concrete evidence on which to base my theory, but I’d like to take girl-crush A and her friends into consideration… then again, that might have been a totally different situation, being my girl-crush and her friends being my girl-crush’s friends…

Or, I am just bad at picking who I want to stick with. Those I want to hang out with are SO DIFFICULT to get in touch. It’s like they dropped off the face of the earth. And as much as I want to give up trying, I just keep at it because it’s the only trace of friendship I have left of them. Then the ones I do get in touch with are sick of my constant nagging, stories and the struggles I face. I am starting to wonder if I was built for long-lasting friendships, like how I started to wonder if I really couldn’t do ONS instead of saying and believing I can’t. I mean, how will you know unless it happened? I have yet to find someone with whom I can simply sit in silence AND enjoy that silence.

Now, back to my strange day of reflection: Even though I have a lot of friends at school, I feel as if I don’t have someone that really truly cared about me and the things I do (it’s understandable though, everyone’s engulfed in their own schoolwork). So when I got to school today, I knew that I will see familiar faces, but my heart will still be restless. I am longing for that feeling when I walk into a room where there are friends (who has mind-reading powers), will know what’s been happening in my life without saying or asking anything, nor do they pass judgment. And then they will sit in silent comfortable company with me. I can, therefore, be truly happy.

 

Blame Facebook

I finally figured out why I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. There’s this thing called Facebook which I’m sure you’re all familiar with. Well, as much as I hate devoting my time to it, their facebook chat function has me chatting up with friends I wouldn’t otherwise have time to hang out with. So all my “written” words have been taken away to compose colloquial language! Argh, I feel slightly cheap. I keep wanting to do write more creatively (still have yet to finish that “feature” script and a whole bunch of short stories I started) and blog interestingly more often… (I think I talk about this all the time, yet nothing’s changed)

I finally hung out with my best friend after over a month of not seeing each other. I’ll admit that I was angry and disappointed at her for not being supportive enough of my film shoot back in January, so this period of falling out may have been partly intentional. I missed her birthday and her getting a new job after graduation… a lot has been going on in her life and I wasn’t there for her (not that she necessarily needed me there). But seeing her again after all this time feels different, like something’s changed.

She feels more sophisticated, but she’s still the best friend I love… I love her and I’d still call her my bestie, but there are things I couldn’t share with her because I know it has the potential to sour our friendship. Un-mentionable (yet exciting, methinks) things happening in my life that she would find uncomfortable, thus making me awkward in sharing them… and sometimes it sucks because it’s starting to become a part of my life, and if I don’t share it I’m not sharing all aspects of my life! But I love her so much that I don’t ever want to ruin what we have… Someone thought my girl-crush has always been my best friend. And after tonight I’m starting to question myself if she is… maybe I just miss her so much (and wishes that I could tell her everything) that it’s starting to drive me crazy!!!

I don’t know.

Ahhh, feelings are complicated. End of story.

 

In Another Life

I’m sorry for making you feel so miserable that I probably ruined your night. I’m sorry I worked up the courage to open my mouth and speak to you. I’m sorry that you can’t stand me so much that you have to turn away as soon as I try to say something. I’m sorry you saw me. I’m sorry that I can’t stop looking at you. I’m sorry that I was dancing with your friends. I’m sorry for making you feel awkward when I’m in the room (because I know you do). I’m sorry things got so out of hand. I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable around me. I’m sorry for having sent you emotional texts. I’m sorry you had to stand outside in the cold in that cute dress just so you can get away from me and take a little break. I’m sorry for not giving you enough time. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay away. I’m sorry for wanting to make things better so I can be a part of your life again. I’m sorry for invading your “scene”. I’m sorry that we can’t talk anymore, let alone hang out. I’m sorry that you probably regret for ever being my friend once. I’m sorry that you won’t get to know me. I’m sorry that every time I hear those songs I’ll still think of you. I’m sorry that I keep wishing upon the stars that when I look at them, you are too. I’m sorry we won’t get to celebrate the holidays with each other’s well wishes. I’m sorry that I want to avoid running into you again so that you could enjoy your life. I’m sorry I couldn’t leave you alone. I’m sorry for being such a weirdo.

I’m sorry. The way I’m holding onto you probably makes you feel like you can’t breathe. I’m sorry. But I promise you I’m not a stalker!!! I just want to know what’s up because I can’t stand your mysterious silence…

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Maybe we’ll be friends again. Some time… in another life :(

 

Remembering…

I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since my last post in October. A lot has happened and my heart has grown hard and cold.

Yesterday was Remembrance Day. We’re supposed to pay tribute for those who fought/still fighting for our country. Lest we forget, right? But all I could remember is how your eyes pierced my soul last night. I was all hung up on you since that first time we exchanged glances and half-smiles last night. It was like you could see right through me. So much (or little) has happened, and so many things are left unsaid. Unspoken thoughts took over as I catch glimpses of you throughout the night. I have no idea what you think of me now, and even though I have every intention on finding out, I can’t because you won’t let me. One glance and a half-smile are not good enough answers. Why why why! I’m still scratching my head searching for a logical answer, dumbfounded by the confusion this whole ordeal has caused me.

I can’t seem to forget you looking at me before whispering to your friend after you saw me dancing with my friends by the table near the dance floor. Images of you dancing remain in my mind. It kills me that we are further apart now than before we even knew each other. It kills me that I have to secretly indulge in the beautiful smiles drawn on your face. And it kills me that you’ve cut me out of your life. Losing friends is one of the hardest things in life. I’ve only really lost one friend, and now you make the count two… especially without an explanation it is extra difficult.

I get tired of dancing and finds a comfy chair to rest my legs. I watch the sea of girls dancing and enjoyed the down time. Ironically the loud upbeat music calmed me, and I thought for a second that I could get through the night without feeling devastated. Then I go back to the dance floor and found you two people away from me. Thoughts of you that I was about to put away came rushing back like a tsunami. Why did I ever think that seeing you one last time was a good idea? I linger and let the music drown out my patheticalness. Still, by the end of the night I could not muster up the courage to talk to you – as if cutting off all means of communication with me isn’t a big enough hint already. Excuse me for wanting some answers, but I wasn’t willing to settle for a sour “friendship”. So I held back, moped, and found comfort in my bed. Who am I to say that I’m not used to my unsuccessful romantic pursuits and fruitless love life?

An interviewee in the Vancouver edition of the “It Gets Better Project” video says “living itself is a political act.” So I will remember the dead, let go of the past, and carry on living. And this time, I will put my heart to better use.

 

;LASDFJ;

I am tempted to use your initial as the title of this post, but I’m still scared that it’d be too obvious.

I don’t think I’ve ever told you (or not stressed enough) how lucky I am to have received your e-mail on August 5th. It was the start of a nice friendship… which eventually evolved into more (on my part). You are THE SINGLE MOST friendly person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I was blown away at your hospitality. I never knew this kind of generosity existed until you showed me otherwise.

So thank you. Thanks for being a friend. And thanks for introducing me to your friends! I know you’ve already got your plates full (and I wonder at what point you will stop being so nice to me —not to doubt you) but having little bits of you in my life makes me happy. Actually, it’s gotten to the point where you unintentionally dictates my mood… I know, it feels awful. Sorry for casting this burden on you. You are in no obligation to make me happy (unless in doing so makes you happy, too). And sorry for complicating our already not-so-existent friendship.

I have no idea what I should do. I’ve never experienced this before… so all that I’m asking is that you keep me in your life… please. At least until I am ready to tell you how I feel.

 

If you really knew me…

you’d know that I have become obsessed with you over the last few weeks. And that I am not usually the way I present myself in front of you. I do it because I am trying to impress… but it’s hard to tell if it’s working if you keep ignoring me. But I guess I am intrigued by a new friend. Strangers who become new friends is a phenomenon that I easily take for granted. Only until now do I realize that making friends gets harder as we grow up because we become more cautious. We build a wall at first to keep them at a distance. Then when it is “safe” to have them come closer do we take down the wall one stone at a time.

Or maybe it’s just me. I used to be super shy. So it’s still hard for me to come out of my turtle shell if no one approaches me first. Usually I’ll be the quiet kid that sits on the couch at a party where everyone else is conversing joyfully with their friends.

Anyway, I don’t know what has gotten into me this time, but I feel the need to prove myself in front of you. Maybe because you “discovered” me and made me your new project, which is exactly the opposite of what I want. New friends are hard to keep because we all go back to our “old” friends. So I am desperately trying to find a way to perhaps force you to hold on to me… so much so to the point that I started to think about you incessantly. And now, I don’t know if this counts, but I like the way it sounds: I have a girl crush.

 

Weekend Lessons

1) Catch up with your best friend. Eat, shop, splurge —but only do so at your own risk; drink, and have some pie while you discuss the latest gossip or the best film idea you’ve ever came up with.  Then laugh a whole lot and hug each other like you’re never going to let go. Hugs are therapeutic. Add a dose of best friend to that and you’ve got yourself some holistic healing/cleansing… magic!

2) Let your inspiration(s) take you on a journey and be surprised. You never know where you’re going to end up.

For example: let someone cut your hair. Or cut someone’s hair (preferably a boy). Start by trimming. Then as that pair of scissors starts to grow on you, let it be the guide and your hand the motor that powers it. Go from nerdy to punk rock. Or long to none. I’m sure the lucky patron will appreciate and enjoy the change you have so spontaneously cooked up for them!

3) Don’t ever cook in a kitchen where there are two mom’s present. Things could get messy. Things could go wrong. Things could be judged and criticized, even if such thoughts are silent. Everyone has their own way of cooking just as much as doing things in their way, so be respectful of individuality! There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” to home cooking. There’s only “that’s not how I do it” or “you should do what I do”. But if it turns out to be delicious, why fuss about the process?

4) Sharing a bedroom and a double bed with a cousin who’s six-years your junior for two weeks isn’t as easy as it sounds. With near-to-none privacy you better be adaptable and prepared to be subjected to lots of hugs, screams, squeals, reading-over-your-shoulder, tight quarters, messy spills from overflowing luggage, and last but not least — even less sleep (and comfort) than what you were getting before.

The trick is to keep both of you occupied and engrossed in your own activity to not interfere with each other. Then send her to bed way before you so you’d have time to write a blog post about this somewhat ridiculous she’bang. Oh, make sure you have two sets of blankets in case she’s a hogger.

 

Now I…

Just got off the phone with you, and I’m drowning in a feeling of uneasiness. I should’ve done a better job at keeping records. It would certainly help iron things out right now. The frustration in your voice was clear and I’m not sure if I could handle it if everything got out of hand.

And at the same time my heart’s pounding irregularly. I can’t stop thinking about you after last night. And once again I’m finding myself asking that exact same question I continue to struggle with. I suddenly feel so alone in this world. I catch myself thinking and preparing for a girls night out next Saturday where I can’t be just who I am. I don’t know what I’d say if they ask the right questions. To think they used to be my role models —dare I say, mentor— not being truthful to them is not being truthful to myself. But I don’t know if I (or they?) would be comfortable if I come clean.

Now I am agitated, restless and worried… but maybe also ‘cuz I’m just too hungry.

Even if I could push rewind, I’m not sure what I would do.

 

Thoughts On a Tuesday Afternoon

I will never admit that the way you ended things still gets to me. I shouldn’t have started talking about it with my friends again. It was the dramatic weekend that I thought was history. But it remained as fresh and sour as a ripe lime. Not that I didn’t regret my actions during the course of our “friendship”, and maybe whatever I did (or didn’t do) made me deserve all the bullshit that you (and your friends) threw at me that weekend.

But all things aside, it was the very first friendship that I indirectly sabotaged. It was the first time that anyone has ever —in “high school” terms— stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. That’s the only reason I let it linger. There’s always a first for everything, and those firsts are the hardest ones to forget especially if they are “bad” firsts. It will remind me to never do the same thing ever again. (Yet at the same time it is still very puzzling how my own opinion, or the choice of that one word to express how I felt, could be so insulting to people I barely know and who barely knows me).

This brings me to my other point which I’ve been wanting to illustrate: never before that dramatic experience had I felt so strong a divide in social classes. This may sound unbelievable, but it didn’t hit me until we were no longer friends. I never realized that what we learned in social studies, those clear-cut divisions between classes in the hierarchy pyramid, would find ways in the present. Not that I think I am some sort of high class person who is superior, above and beyond those “peasants” or, in Harry Potter’s terms, “muggles” to the wizards.

See, the kind of person you are attracts roughly the same kind of people you befriend. If you like drinking, you’ll have drinking buddies. If you are outdoorsy and sporty, you’ll have teammates who enjoys those activities, too. And if your “standards”, or what you ask for in a friend, are “low” enough, you will attract those whose standards don’t fall far from where it is set. And what I think influences those “friendship standards” is our education and upbringing. (I.e. with more discipline, higher expectations and better morals and values, you befriend those whose bars are set higher) I really can’t illustrate clearly or convincingly how those are closely related, but I know so in my heart (weakest argument ever). And I hope you somehow get it.

ps- I just read your latest post (God knows why I still visit your blog), and no, it’s not correct. There are so many things wrong with that statement! There wouldn’t be “filth” around you if you aren’t one to begin with. You change those around you by changing yourself [for the better] first! Good thing you got one thing right: BE fucking MATURE. That is all I have to say to you.