Nerve Damage

A few weeks ago (Oct.19th) I went to my family doctor’s office to get my foot checked out. I haven’t been able to feel the big toe on my right foot since the Friday before. Originally I thought it is going to heal on its own, but the facebook population urged me to get it checked out. So I made an appointment with the doctor late Tuesday evening.

When I arrived at his office, it was overflowing with people. The seats inside were taken (there weren’t many though), and several others were standing outside. The receptionist seemed to be overwhelmed with paperwork and phone calls. I waited for a while before checking in, only to have the receptionist looking at the clock and telling me to come back in another forty minutes.

So over to the food court I went and ordered myself my favourite (but pricey) meal: Korean rice cake with your choice of chicken, beef or pork. It was a more-than-enough meal, but I managed to finish it just in time to stroll leisurely back to the doctor’s before the 40mins was up.

When I turned the corner, I was surprised to find his office still busy. But it seemed like they were all waiting for something besides to see the doctor. I peered into his clinic and saw some free chairs, so I sat down inside to wait.

Out of the corner of my eye the other people’s subtle movements and the unspoken tension inside the office caught my attention as I pulled out my iPod. I immediately noticed a man sitting at the seat nearest to the door who was holding a thick pile of folded paper close to his heart.

The next minute I heard my doctor talking on receptionist’s phone to the security at the mall about ambulance and paramedics. I put on the ear phones and pretend to listen to my iPod. The doctor sounded mad and anxious. He hung up the phone quickly and went over to the man sitting by the door. He assured him the ambulance is coming. The man’s son, who looks to be in his teens, looked at his watch and said they’ve been waiting for almost an hour. The doctor told him that if anything happened before the paramedics came, he’d be capable of taking care of everything. He then hurried back into his office and saw another patient.

About 5 minutes later several paramedics showed up and crowded the small clinic. The lead paramedic, a woman, immediately started to take charge of the situation. She told the man to take off his shirt and that they’re going to “take a picture of [his] heart”. The other paramedics then proceeded to attach receptors that are connected to a machine onto his chest. She asked a lot of questions about his chest pain. And he answers them diligently.

All this is went on for about 10 minutes while his family watched worriedly. There must have been about 6 people who were anxiously waiting for a medical deliberation. The stretcher arrived and it was decided that the man be taken to the hospital despite not displaying anything too abnormal.

The doctor talked to the paramedic and complained about the lateness of their arrival. The lead paramedic argued that they arrived within 3 minutes of the call but was held up at the security for more than 30 minutes. The doctor told them that he is going to approach mall management the next day. The paramedics leave with the man on the stretcher, and the families part in their own cars, only to meet up later at the hospital. The doctor is relieved and went back to his wait-list of patients. The entire ordeal was over in 15 minutes.

The whole time I was watching from the corner of my eyes I couldn’t help but relate to what happened to dad. I was happy for the man in the chair even though he is sick because he was lucky to have so many family members share his burden and pain. SIX people accompanied him to the clinic just for a check-up! Dad, on the other hand, kept it all to himself and had to suffer alone. No one. (Well, none except his sister and niece I think.) Suddenly I am sad and angry at the same time – like all those times when I think of dad. Sad that he had to endure his sickness alone, and angry that he didn’t tell us so we could at least take some of his pain with us. The details surrounding his death is so muddy that it makes moving on difficult. I haven’t forgotten, and will never forget his incredible courage and honourable stupidity. If only it really “worked” according to his plan…

I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy after he died. I feel like a robot carrying out my “duties and tasks”. I am only doing thing because I am obligated to or if it’s “good for me”, or . I’ve lost passion for life, and I’ve locked my cold cold heart away…

Anyway, turns out my toe has been suffering from a nerve damage and should recover on its own. But I still can’t feel all parts of my toe now (Nov.11). My toe is numb just as the world is numb to me.

 

Maximum Capacity

Uncle arrived in town Sunday night. That means our house of 3 has doubled its usual occupancy, to 6. Aunt’s sleeping with mom on her queen-sized bed; my 16-year-old cousin takes over my double bed (and has made my sleep less-than-satisfactory), and uncle is supposed to sleep with my bro on his Queen but feels more comfortable on the couch.

I am not used to having this many people share our house before. Or invade my privacy all at the same time. Ever since I’ve moved here and started to enjoy a whole room to myself, I had gotten used to spending lots of time by myself (thinking and writing).

But now my every movement is being watched and I feel very cramped (since a majority of the space in my room has been allocated for my cousin’s suitcases).  Boy, do I ever miss my freedom!

I feel like an animal. But there’s no need to stare at me incessantly. I’m not caged in a enclosure like an animal in a zoo is. So please, don’t stare at me 24/7.  I am not a celebrity, and yes I am just like any other person on the planet (anatomy-wise). No matter how much you admire me, I do not feel comfortable being watched. So don’t let me ask you again: leave me alone!!!

Don’t wait for me outside the bathroom door when I take a shower. Don’t “see me off” every morning before I go to work like I’m your significant other. You don’t have to wake up at the same time I do. You get to sleep in… Embrace it, child!

Speaking of sleeping in, I should probably get to bed. Work tomorrow at 9am. Last day of summer work at Woodward’s!!!

 

Weekend Lessons

1) Catch up with your best friend. Eat, shop, splurge —but only do so at your own risk; drink, and have some pie while you discuss the latest gossip or the best film idea you’ve ever came up with.  Then laugh a whole lot and hug each other like you’re never going to let go. Hugs are therapeutic. Add a dose of best friend to that and you’ve got yourself some holistic healing/cleansing… magic!

2) Let your inspiration(s) take you on a journey and be surprised. You never know where you’re going to end up.

For example: let someone cut your hair. Or cut someone’s hair (preferably a boy). Start by trimming. Then as that pair of scissors starts to grow on you, let it be the guide and your hand the motor that powers it. Go from nerdy to punk rock. Or long to none. I’m sure the lucky patron will appreciate and enjoy the change you have so spontaneously cooked up for them!

3) Don’t ever cook in a kitchen where there are two mom’s present. Things could get messy. Things could go wrong. Things could be judged and criticized, even if such thoughts are silent. Everyone has their own way of cooking just as much as doing things in their way, so be respectful of individuality! There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” to home cooking. There’s only “that’s not how I do it” or “you should do what I do”. But if it turns out to be delicious, why fuss about the process?

4) Sharing a bedroom and a double bed with a cousin who’s six-years your junior for two weeks isn’t as easy as it sounds. With near-to-none privacy you better be adaptable and prepared to be subjected to lots of hugs, screams, squeals, reading-over-your-shoulder, tight quarters, messy spills from overflowing luggage, and last but not least — even less sleep (and comfort) than what you were getting before.

The trick is to keep both of you occupied and engrossed in your own activity to not interfere with each other. Then send her to bed way before you so you’d have time to write a blog post about this somewhat ridiculous she’bang. Oh, make sure you have two sets of blankets in case she’s a hogger.

 

A Birthday (w)Hole

(written August 16th, 2010)

I turned twenty-two yesterday.

Like a lot of people would say on their birthday, I don’t feel any different. Nor do I feel my age. But on the way home in the afternoon after a rowdy night at the theatre party house, I suddenly feel hollow. I had just left my very friends with who I share intimate moments and hang out on an occasional basis. I should be happy that my mom, for once, let me stay out for a party!

Even though I am surrounded by friends, I feel lonely. It could very possibly be the post-show depression that comes typically after one finishes working on a show. But I’m sure lying to my family, not being involved with anyone romantically, and having to cram this week for my final on Friday right after the show’s finished also adds to the inner complexions.

I don’t know what I need to fill my void with because I don’t know what’s causing it in the first place. I am working at a great job, I’m excited to return to school in the fall, and I will finally have some sort of a decent summer after Friday (which means more hanging out with friends). All the things that are working out for me at the moment seems to fail in comparison to a giant hole in my heart. Just what else do I need to make myself happy?

The only reason I can think of right now, is for dad to come back… even if it’s just for a minute. Only then, could I imagine myself truly happy… 19 years just isn’t quite long enough, and the 3 without you is too much of a stretch already. Oh Dad how I miss thee!

I can still remember the big chocolate cake you bought for my 16th. Ten small pieces later, the big chunk of the leftover cake is stowed away in the fridge, which eventually gone bad. To this day I wish I had shown appreciation for that cake more, I wish I hadn’t let those pieces gone to waste, and I hope that you knew how much I appreciated the thought and love that came with the cake. If only you were here for my birthday again…

Sounds like it is dad’s love that I’m missing for my birthday.

 

You Never

You never said I’m leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried
If Love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died
In Life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.

-author unknown

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

I don’t miss you one bit less. I wish you were here now.

 

My Heart Fails Me

Today I listened to my favourite Mandarin pop CD by my favourite Mandarin artist, A-Mei, for the first time in three years since my dad passed away.

It didn’t become clear to me that I haven’t listened to it in such a long time. Had I been putting it off subconsciously? Maybe, since it contains the ONE song that everyone in our family would sing at Karaoke every time we go back to Taiwan.

I couldn’t help but tear up when I heard the intro. The waves flapping against the sand and the crisp piano combined with strings bring about a flood of emotions. Feelings that I have so long hoped will no longer surface. Feelings that were and still are raw and heartbreaking; feelings that I had stuffed down a bottle almost 3 years ago and made sure it’s piled deep.

But there’s always that catalyst. That one moment, one sound, one note, one word that loosens the cork that’s keeping everything tight. When that cork fails, all the unnecessary emotion swimmingly races to the top and chokes me at the throat. My heart gets shattered all over again and there’s no easy way to take a breath.

Everything hurts.

I finish listening to the entire CD and could not help but keep it on repeat. I am not sure if this is doing me any good, but maybe it is worth the pain to find out.

 

Magic Does Happen

I didn’t intend on staying up on Monday night. But alas, I still had 3 unfinished assignments when I looked at the clock, which read 3:39 AM. I thought I would turn in for the night (or morning?) since I haven’t had enough sleep the past couple of days (from pulling an all-nighter on Sunday night to finish an essay).

I turned off the computer and the big lights in my room. Then I suddenly remembered the Leonid Meteor Shower event. I looked out my window and could only see a little part of the sky. I turned off all the lights for more visibility and changed in the dark. The stars were so bright in the sky after the rain clouds drifted away.

I decided to take the risk of being scalded for not being in bed yet and went downstairs to find mom in front of the computer, like she always is at this hour. I told her to come upstairs with me to look at the shooting stars. She got excited, too, and followed me immediately.

We blocked out the bright street lamp shining right outside our windows on the pathway behind our house. It was hard to squint at the dark sky from inside the house. So we decided to head outside despite the low temperature. I put my ski jacket on top of my pj’s and went to the balcony.

The sky was so clear after the rain. The stars shone brightly and the big/ small dipper were visible as well as Mars. We stood with our heads tilted as if the back of our heads were connected to our back. For the next little while we pointed and looked at different parts of the sky. There were only about a couple of the big ones and a bunch of small ones.

Mom asked if I had made a wish upon seeing one. But they were going by too fast. One blink and they’re gone. So there wasn’t really time to make a wish. Then after a while I saw a bunch of small ones that weren’t clear at all, as if they were behind a screen of dust. I wonder if it’s just my tired eyes playing tricks on me. Mom said it’s only because they’re so far away from us. We stood outside for about half an hour in the cold dark night. But the feeling was warm.

It was the first time both of us ever saw shooting stars, and it was a magical experience.

 

What Am I Doing Here?

Lots of questions swimming in my head. And I know I won’t be able to address them all in one sitting, plus I’ve already forgotten some of the questions that I was going to discuss.

I visit PostSecret every Sunday sometimes for inspiration and sometimes to get a laugh at the secrets that are revealed on anonymous postcards. Today was no exception. I came upon one that made me read it twice to actually get what it’s trying to say:

I realized (and kind of relieved) that I’m not the only one who feels this way —that God is sort of like an omnipotent version of our dads. I know this is not the “correct” depiction nor is it justified, but I’d like to think my dad as a god-like figure. He was everything and so much more for our entire family.

I admit, when I used to pray, I would imagine as if I am talking to my dad, who was working overseas. We communicated through the phone daily, and there would be 3 or 4 month gaps where I didn’t see him at all. There I draw the resemblance to God, who I don’t see (or have never seen), and the communication is one-way. But I know He’s there. Out there somewhere.

Now, perhaps you would say that I stopped praying after my dad passed away. In some way that’s totally on the ball, but I would like to think that it’s something else, something even more complicated than just a death.

Anyway, you don’t have to understand what I’m saying. There’s too much to put down and not enough time for me to elaborate my thoughts because as much as I’d like to, I don’t think I should stay up writing if I have to sacrifice sleep. I mean, writing is important, but at the moment it’s just not my top priority.

 

In Loving Memory

I have been meaning to write something about Dad since June 25th, which marks the 2-year anniversary of his passing, but time hasn’t been cooperating with my insipiration. And then I heard about Minnie, a friend who I’ve known since elementary school, who suddenly passed away overnight on June 26th.

In many ways Minnie’s passing reminded me of Dad’s death. Their dates were close; the news of both were shocking and sudden; they both left behind people who love them very much; they were both buried in Forest Lawn; and in some way or other, their death could have been prevented (not that I’m blaming anyone). Nonetheless, it is all in the past now. There’s no use trying to justify or understand their death. We will eventually understand God’s reason for taking away our loved ones at such untimely hour. Right now, we can only move on and live life to the fullest, or else we’d be the only ones with regret.

At the end of Minnie’s funeral service last Friday, her dad said to the crowd of Minnie’s young friends “要珍惜你們的父母”. I teared up. I realize I can no longer do that with my dad except hold him dear to my heart and clear in my memory. In the last 18 years he has been a solid support and a strong pillar in my life. With him gone, I don’t get enough encouragement for the things I do. Or have someone there who’s supporting you 100%, someone who knows what to say and can think clearly when a big decision is at hand. I really miss Dad. I have no one to talk to at night, no one to ask how my day was, and no one to hear my woes. My dearest and best friend was gone in a blink of an eye and caught all of us unawares.

After Dad died, I felt I had to become the ‘man’ of the house. I am the oldest, and naturally, I have the personality of my father. I have to share Mom’s responsibilities in this household and be the buffer between my brother and my mom. I think Mom has been so busy with her events that she doesn’t have time to really deal with her grief. It wasn’t the normal death that every family would experience. It was a complicated death with a lot of mystery and unanswered questions. That’s why I think we were able to deal with it pretty easily then and seemed to have quickly moved on. We had to keep our heads cool to handle the logistics of the funeral. But deep down, that isn’t the case. It has left a lifelong scar in our hearts and still hurts every now and then. That applies for my brother, too. Maybe that’s why he’s taking it real easy this summer and not do school or work. That or he’s just too lazy. But I know if Dad was still calling each night to check-up on us, his words would’ve worked in getting my brother to at least apply for a job.

Now that Dad has passed, I have to do a good job and keep my end of the bargain of being a pillar in the family. If I don’t, I feel Mom would get crushed by the burdens of this home. So ultimately I have to take care of Mom and my brother. Sometimes when I feel I can’t breath, I would want to run away and escape all this pressure. In fact, I have thought about it many times. If I leave here for another place, I can cast all my cares and concerns that I’ve been carrying with me away. But I know I can’t leave home yet. My family still needs me. I have to be there for Mom… we don’t talk about each other’s emotions but we’re each other’s mental support. I am sure it is hard to sleep by yourself on a queen size bed when you’ve been sleeping with someone next to you for the last 22 years.

Know that you’re being missed, Dad. You are always dear to our hearts. And one day, I will sound my horn with “Amazing Grace” at your grave :)

 

Twenty

Finally I am into the 2′s. Despite how much I hate to admit it, I am no longer a teenager. I guess it’s not such a big deal compared to turning 21 (why do ppl celebrate 21 more than 20? or 16 more than 15?), but since it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time, I think the day deserves a [detailed] note. (not that anyone would want to read it)

I woke up around 10am on my birthday. I had set two alarms, and they did a good job of getting me out of bed. My mom, aunt and uncle had already taken off for Victoria for the weekend. So Tony (my bro) and I had the whole house to ourselves, and we enjoyed every minute of it, no doubt.

A little while later, Selinee called and asked to hang out because she had just finished at the dentist’s and there were still 2 hrs until when we were suppose to go for lunch. She took the bus to my house and I welcomed her with a signature tight-hug. Essentially, we did nothing. We talked, looked through a few things (wouldn’t you want to know what!), and sat in [comfortable] silences. Then at around 12:15pm we took off to catch the bus that would take us closer to our meal at Denny’s.

As we got off the 129 and walked around the corner to transfer to the 106, we ran into Wendy and Nancy (surprise surprise!). At the bus stop, we agreed unanimously that it was a blazing hot day (which later turned cloudy-ish). At 1:15pm ish, we arrived at Denny’s. I had heard about their free Birthday meals from my brother, and since I had never eaten there, it was the perfect choice. Lily had already gotten a seat for all of us who arrived late. We settled in comfortably and took our time with the menu (which I think should be re-formatted because it was hard to read). Halfway through our dining experience, the table next to us started pointing outside. We followed their finger and discovered that a street lamp has fallen on the road, blocking a couple lanes on Kingsway. I took a few pictures, played with my camera functions and received a call from Sammy (a real surprise) while enjoying my mushroom burger. Anyway, lunch was fun and tasty. It was a great way to start my day, which I was determined to only let it get better

So, to add to the excitement of turning 20, I decided to dye my hair PURPLE , my favourite color! We took the bus to the Superstore at Metrotown and looked for the shiny metallic orange package of Loreal’s temporary hair dye. I picked up the “Chill Plum” color one and went home. At this point it was already 3:40pm. I have another 2hrs and 15mins before I had to leave the house. I quickly took a shower to make sure my hair is ready for the job. Then, the five of us squished into one bathroom to work on my hair. Selina was appointed the glove wearer; Nancy became the comb-er; Wendy helped to squish the mousse out of the bottle and into Selinee’s hands; and Lily contributed as the picture-taker and my entertainment. I sat on a stool and enjoyed a good massage on the head (I almost fell asleep because I was too comfortable). We finally finished the whole bottle of mousse, which contained way more dye than we expected, after a whole 30 minutes of rubbing the stuff in my hair.

Off to the TV we went after washing the accidental dye job off our skin. “The Count of Monte Cristo” was the movie we picked. We watched a good 20mins of it before I had to wash the dye off my hair. I put my head in the sink, under the tap and watched the purple water run. I rinsed my hair for a good 5 mins and got ready for The Odd Couple at Roundhouse Performance Centre.

When my hair dried it didn’t look purple. But I got into Joanna’s car anyway and off we went to Roundhouse to set-up for the evening show at 8pm. As we arrived we were greeted by our fellow actors and actresses and their warm birthday wishes. They even sang the “Happy Birthday” song at the group warm-up (Not to mention Lissa’s attempt of the song on the soprano recorder)! I was so touched :) The show that night was fantastic… the audience laughed at all the right places and not one big of the gag screwed up! (The only thing was that only William came to see the show as requested… where were all the ‘friends’ I e-mailed?!!) The show went by smoothly and the techies headed down to Joey’s on Broadway and Granville after we finished cleaning up.

At first we looked kinda out of place because we weren’t really in the ‘proper’ clothes, or the clothes that you wear to this kind of restaurants if you will, and waited awkwardly for our table out on the patio. Then, as we settled into our seats and ordered our food, some serious fun started. Joanna brought up the idea of “Truth or Dare“, and we really went ahead and took turns spinning Ian’s flashlight. I can only recall the few highlights of the game. Ian was dared by Olive to sing Happy Birthday really loud to me, loud enough to the point that the tables nearby can hear him on top of the music. He hit every note perfectly and did a good job of it :) Then, Jo dared Olive to kiss me (on the lips, was it?) !!! Being the shy Asian that I am, I cowardly denied Olive’s attempts. So she kissed me on the cheek instead :P After some more interesting secret spilling and some awkward dare action (where’s my gift, Jo?), our delicious deserts arrived. Of course by then we were all hungry from the game playing, so we dug into the apple pie and chocolatey-brownie sweets without care. We left Joey’s at around 1am. We had satisfied our appetites and had a bunch of fun.

Thanks everyone for a fun-filled birthday. It was the most fun I have had in a long time :)