I have been thinking a lot

(written Monday, June 29th, 2009)

I saw Up for the second time today and I began thinking about the characters in that movie, about living life after all your family have passed away. What makes you wake up everyday? What if you have no friends, or your friends are too involved in their lives that they forgot to check up on you? It would probably feel like you have been forgotten in this world. All who you care about has moved on to another world, and so have their loving memories of you. You no longer lives in someone else’s memory, and neither are you presently involved in someone else’s life. I suppose that is why senior homes are created. They are filled with people who are forgotten in the world. So are orphanages and homeless shelters.

 

In Carl’s case, he wakes up to guard the house he built with his deceased wife, Ellie. He relives the past every day and speaks to the house as if his wife’s spirit is still there. He is only able to move on when he decides to take his house on the adventure that he has promised his wife when they were kids. How ironic and depressing. But I suppose you could say that it’ll be even more depressing if he wasn’t allowed to realize his dream.

 

It depends on how you look at things. You can overcome any heartbreak as time passes, but it could take weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. It will be harder if you keep things bottled up, which is exactly the type of thing I would do. It will probably kill me some day, but it cannot be helped. I am who I am, and only those who accept me for who I am can become my friends. Even then, I do not let a lot of people “in”. Thus it can be lonely sometimes. If I was living on my own, I could go through an entire week without having seen people or receive any phone calls. Those who I consider ‘close’ has something else going on in their life or someone more important to attend to than a lazy, screwed-up artist with no vision for her future. I try to keep my expectations next to none and take comfort in television, movies, or life behind a screen. It’s about the only thing I do anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends dearly and I get that they have bigger priorities or that they value the friendship differently. But just once in a while, I would love for someone to let me be the talker instead of the listener, which is what I’ve been doing my whole life. Listening too much can cause sickness. I have been sick all this time, and I have not realized it until now. I wish for a way out, but things just keep coming in. My heart feels like lead and it has already sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Will I ever be able to find it again?