08.08.08

August 8th is Father’s Day in Asia. Having been from Taiwan, this is the one that my family and I celebrate instead of the one in June.

 

Well, Dad has been gone from us for a full year now. One day didn’t pass by where I didn’t wish I could have one day back with dad. Even only one hour or one minute would be enough. I just want to show how much I love you and appreciate what you do for me. I can’t believe I took you for granted and brushed you off when you could only put aside so much time to spend with us here. I had no idea how lucky I was to have a father like you until I lost you. I never realized how hard you worked in Taiwan to support us in Canada, where living expenses are so much higher. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to come home to an empty apartment knowing that your family is separated by sea and located several thousand kilometers away enjoying a life that they don’t deserve any less than you. You have had worked so hard! When it came time for you to enjoy life, you were exhausted. Mom described you like a candle burning at both ends, doing your best to light and warm the world in other people’s lives but blinded by the consequence that it would have on yourself. I am sorry for all those things I didn’t get a chance to say and for all the little discordant remarks I should not have said, and everything else in between.

Living without you and your everyday late- night phone calls have been arduous. I miss your broad back that gave me comfort, your big hands that protected me, that forehead muscle of yours that kept moving whenever you chew; and your half-closed eyes when you sleep. Your voice kept me going, your inspirational talks fueled my tank, and the principles you lived by helped me make decisions. Without you by my side, I am incomplete. All I have left now are memories that I can’t seem to recall or are too painful to remember. I don’t know how to go on, but I do anyway because I carry your traits and I know you would want me to. Although I try to incorporate all that you have taught me, everything I do now I do it with less energy and it would seem less interesting because you are not here to share in my joy and happiness. I remember you always urging me to “finish whatever you’re doing in one breath”, but it is too hard to get off my bum and start my chores, tasks, assignments, etc. This has just been the first year. I wonder how the road looks from here on. Where am I going to find another pillar that has always been there no matter what, the pillar that taught me to be hardworking, diligent, organized, humble and courteous; the pillar that holds up my life?

You are and always will be the superman in my heart. I love you, dad, you’re irreplaceable.

 

Luckily, even though I have lost my ‘physical’ dad, I still have my ’spiritual’ dad: God. This other father figure in my life helps me with all things that my ‘physical’ dad does and perhaps more. He is my rock, my stronghold, my refuge. He is there for me always. Whenever I feel depressed and scared, I seek advice and guidance and lean on Him. I thank Him for all the things that I have in my life; He has blessed me with a great family, wonderful friends and a beautiful education environment. I had adopted this father a couple of years ago. But now with the death of my ‘physical’ dad, I am having trouble facing Him. A little piece of me has died inside, and along with it, so has my relationship with God. Somehow I can’t find my way back. I can’t seem to get myself together to bring myself to face Him. I know I must reconstruct my trust and belief in Him and live a life with Him on the throne.