Acting Journal Entry #8

The final and last entry —for now. If I ever act again, I’ll continue to document my experiences. But now that The Virgin and the Unicorn has ended its fabulous sold-out 2 nights run, my first acting journey has also come to a close. I feel reluctant to write about it, because that’ll just mean IT REALLY HAS ENDED. Post-show depression, we call it… and the depression is different this time from an actor’s stand-point. Strange. So I keep myself entertained by admiring the unicorns I made and looking at the pictures mom and I took of those unicorns.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be before shows. I was ready for the show to start as soon as house was open. That 15 minutes of waiting ’till the house was full seemed like forever. The audience’s chatter made them sound just as excited and ready as I was backstage holding the gored poodle.

I practiced my lines as I waited, saying them a few times to make sure I was being articulate. Then finally it came time for me to get ready to enter from the side. My heart began pounding as soon as the audience could see me…

Our opening night was our best run ever (in my opinion). Our energy was just superb (guess the audience’s excitement was infectious -they laughed in all the right places) and we picked up on our cues pretty well. Closing night wasn’t bad either —the audience was uproarious in laughter, more so than opening night— but somehow I felt unsatisfied by the way I delivered my “I don’t know” line. That moment wasn’t my best effort, to be honest. But overall the show was still a strong solid performance.

That was the end. The end of my acting journey for now. Thanks for every single one of you that was involved in this production for making my acting debut so enjoyable -or, as Milty put it “it’s been fantastic witnessing your stage virginity being taken away”. A special thanks goes out to Stevie, who let me be a part of her wonderful project and believed in me. I couldn’t ask for a better ensemble! I had lots of fun working on this show and hope you did, too!

Acting Journal Entry #7

1) Our lighting designer is really sick. She didn’t show up for cue-to-cue on Monday because she was in the hospital. Barry helped a little, but it wasn’t satisfactory. Good thing we had others’ help. Hope you get better soon, Celina!

2) I got soooooooo distracted during Tech Dress because the stage management crew wasn’t doing their job. I really wanted to instruct them to do this and that (because I know that’s what should happen having been through this countless times) but I can’t!!! It’s not my place to do so, and Stevie would kill me if I go all techie… I am an ACTOR in this show. ACTOR. Not tech/crew. ACTOR. Or so I keep telling myself.

If I see the back curtain all messy, I sneak to the back, lift the pole that’s weighing it down, pulls the masking straight, stand up quickly, and hope no one notices me. Afterall, I AM AN ACTOR. I shouldn’t be fixing the curtains, I shouldn’t be peeling spike tape off the floor, and I really shouldn’t care about what the eff the stage management team is doing. BUT when they’re not doing their job… anyway, I shouldn’t be saying this. Nor should I be judging… It was just bothering me soooo much to the point that it took me out of my character for the entire tech dress. I was entirely out of it for that run and I totally did Petra injustice by playing her so badly.

After the run, we were sent back to large dress for notes as the other group did their run in the black box. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I was in a room with hard-working and well-trained actors because I had let them down. I didn’t dare meet their eyes. If my skin was transparent, you’d probably see a fight inside my body: my blood rushing through my veins telling me to just do it all the while my brain is sending signals down my nerves to tell my body to calm down. It was an internal struggle, and I tried to vent, but telling the other actors of course didn’t help (they were being too easy on the SMs —or am I being too harsh?). So I just shut the hell up and kept it to myself. I tried running in the hallway, I tried singing Sleepsong in the stairwell where it echoed well, and I tried retreating in a corner to practice my lines to calm myself. None helped.

Then it came time for us to go back into the space again to rework some stuff (we didn’t have time to run through the entire play again). Thank god Ray took control of the lights so while he was fixing some cues, I grabbed Stevie and talked to her in the dark. I told her that I was having a hard time letting go of my techie instincts, and that it’s bothering me so much to the point that I cannot focus or bring myself in in the playing space. Having been through this numerous times herself (and having been on both sides of the table), she understood what I was going through. A spiel of rants and a couple of hugs later, I felt better. At least I was able to focus when it came time to go back on stage again.

Later that night we basically did what we were supposed to do the night before: cue-to-cue. We fixed a lot of lighting cues and were sent home. I, however, volunteered myself to be a ’stand-in’ even though it was already quarter to eleven at night. So I stayed. I took my wrench, got on a ladder, hung a light and focused it. I could tell my techie skills needed some polishing, as I had forgotten to unplug before loosening the c-clamp. Nevertheless that hour and a half of playing around with lights and gobos was exactly what I needed to kick the techie instinct aside.

It no longer affected my acting tonight at Dress Rehearsal (well, partly because Gary was there -on headset- and partly because there was an audience). But I was able to overlook the things that was making me uneasy and just focus on being Petra. I was still nervous though, this time because I was performing, for the first time ever, in front of an audience!

[Whew, they don't call them directors for nothing! If I didn't talk to Stevie then, I think I would have had an actor's nervous breakdown]

Acting Journal Entry #6

We’re opening in TWO DAYS!!!

I am not nervous yet. I got nervous sitting in the audience at week one’s performances on Friday. I knew that in a week’s time, me and the people on stage will have switched places… Actually, thinking about it just now makes me a little jittery. Friends are coming to see me act for the first time ever -on stage, and I hope that they will be entertained. (It sucks that I won’t be able to reserve more than two tickets. I can’t guarantee if my friends will get to see the show!)

I think (and hope) that I have figured out who Petra is. Or, at least I have figured out the part of her that we see. During Sunday’s rehearsal, we worked the last scene of the play a few times with different intentions. That really helped my emotional journey and determined what we leave the audience with at the end of the play. Did I ever tell you that I have the last line in the play? Even though we’ve already been rehearsing for two weeks, this play is still very intriguing and exciting to be a part of.

By the way, if you would like to come see the show, just pick up tickets at the Box Office after 6pm on the day of (Thursday or Friday). But no reservations are allowed anymore (‘cept cast/crew each gets 2) so you’d better show up early, pick up a ticket to guarantee your seat, and chill out somewhere. Or grab a bite to eat. The dress rehearsal on Wednesday is open to the public as well, and I highly encourage you to attend that one so we make room for Thurs/Fri shows. SFU Theatre Studio II 7pm.

NaNoWriMo

In less than 2 days, I will be attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. This is my first time participating in the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).

In order to write 50k words in 30 days, I’d have to write a minimum of 1,667 words per day. You might think I’m crazy to do this while taking 5 classes, 2 of them theory and reading/writing intensive. On top of that, I am in rehearsal for the first week of November, then I have to do my video project for this semester. Well, maybe I am just a tad insane to have taken this on. But I love a good challenge. Without challenges, what do I strive for in life?

Wish me luck! :)

Acting Journal Entry #5

So, for the past couple of rehearsals, we’ve been working mostly on scene two. And I’m not in scene two at all. So that means I get to take it easy, rest well, get more sleep, and prepare myself for the next rehearsal.

Honestly, I don’t miss acting that much. But I do miss the rehearsals, which I am not required to stay (at least for the last two rehearsals).

Meanwhile, I still think a lot about Petra. Even though we’re suppose to leave everything (emotion-wise) in the playing space after each rehearsal (through the process of “hunker”), I feel that she is always a part of me.

I am still excited every time I go in the space as Petra —mostly because I have the last line in the play, but also because I am  inconspicuous yet  observant in the house of Dumphrey. She is a pretty straight-forward character to play. I am still struggling with the “yes no” line though. I need to find meaning to those yes and no’s. I can’t quite grasp what each one means. So I still think that I can play that line better… I just need to do more work.

Alright, this entry is pretty much the shortest. I don’t really have anything to say (acting-wise) except that I finally go through the past weekend. It was a straight 5hr rehearsal, 7hr film shoot, less than 5hrs of sleep, and 7hrs of rehearsal in two days. Insanely busy and physically exhausting.

Anyway, Kugler is coming to our run(s) tomorrow. I am not nervous. Yet. Should I be? “Yes no yes no yes no. Now I’ll worry and worry.”

tHIS iNCURABLE dISEASE

Sadness and stress. Those two words seem to surround my life this semester. And they usually go hand in hand. The more stress I have the sadder I become. The sadder I become the stress increases even more. There’s no way to end the cycle! Ridiculous!

I have friends who are in the same boat, too. It’s rather unfortunate that we’re all going through somewhat familiar emotions. I blame it on the courses we’re taking this semester. For some reason our year’s cohort feels like the most depressing film students ever in SFU history. Seriously. What we went through last year when we made our films in groups, or things/ideas that we want to express through our films, etc all seem pretty pessimistic (but hopefully the end results are glorious). The classes are too heavy. It seems that we are not ready to handle or discuss anything in seminars, or that we’re not always handing assignments in on time. Plus there’s the expectation from the instructors that we have to meet. I hate to say this, but those people are fairly demanding. And it’s starting to get to us. In a word: overwhelming.

However, hopefully in the times of overwhelming pressure, which can cause sadness, there are ways to cope with it. For my self, I think writing, or the process of writing, helps to calm me down or at least clear my head of cluttered thoughts, and therefore takes things off my mind and reduces some stress. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been blogging way too much these past couple of weeks. But it also creates some unwanted pressure on my own part. Since I’m writing here, it means that I’m not writing anywhere else. I am using up my writing minutes in a day, and after a couple of hours of keying away words, I will have to take a break from it. But I need to be writing somewhere else, specifically for school when there’s an impending assignment (treatment, paper, script, etc.) to hand in on time. I think I’ve been putting too much thought into these blog posts and not enough into my school work.

As much as I love writing, I better not fail any classes…

(I actually started this post out wanting to discuss if counselling / therapy are really as helpful as people think or claim to be. I feel that a lot of times we just need a third party/person to talk to and to see things from a different perspective, or to dump the emotions we’ve been keeping to ourselves. They may be trained in reading the subtleties of our every movement or behaviour, or how the brain / thought / response works, but they are still just as human as us. NOTE: This is just my opinion. By no means am I trying to offend people who are in therapy/ seeing a psychiatrist or seeking psychological help. But I do apologize in advance if you are offended by this view.)

What Am I Doing Here?

Lots of questions swimming in my head. And I know I won’t be able to address them all in one sitting, plus I’ve already forgotten some of the questions that I was going to discuss.

I visit PostSecret every Sunday sometimes for inspiration and sometimes to get a laugh at the secrets that are revealed on anonymous postcards. Today was no exception. I came upon one that made me read it twice to actually get what it’s trying to say:

I realized (and kind of relieved) that I’m not the only one who feels this way —that God is sort of like an omnipotent version of our dads. I know this is not the “correct” depiction nor is it justified, but I’d like to think my dad as a god-like figure. He was everything and so much more for our entire family.

I admit, when I used to pray, I would imagine as if I am talking to my dad, who was working overseas. We communicated through the phone daily, and there would be 3 or 4 month gaps where I didn’t see him at all. There I draw the resemblance to God, who I don’t see (or have never seen), and the communication is one-way. But I know He’s there. Out there somewhere.

Now, perhaps you would say that I stopped praying after my dad passed away. In some way that’s totally on the ball, but I would like to think that it’s something else, something even more complicated than just a death.

Anyway, you don’t have to understand what I’m saying. There’s too much to put down and not enough time for me to elaborate my thoughts because as much as I’d like to, I don’t think I should stay up writing if I have to sacrifice sleep. I mean, writing is important, but at the moment it’s just not my top priority.

Acting Journal Entry #4

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned why I am so excited to be part of the Directing Projects this semester even though I’m taking 5 classes —2 of them theory / reading & writing-intensive, which is part of the reason this past week has been really rough. First, I am having a hard time finishing my overdue assignment even though I skipped class to do it. Then I talked to my video production instructor about not shooting my video until mid-November, after the play is over. He was being super unsupportive and unreasonable because he didn’t understand why I am involved in theatre as an extracurricular activity, why I am doing this even though it’s not for any classes or for credits! Lastly, I didn’t manage my time well so I leave my context assignment that’s due Friday to Thursday night after rehearsal. Having such a bummed-out week totally affected me, especially on Thursday night’s rehearsal. I was out of it. My mind wasn’t in the room, and it was hard to concentrate.

But still, every time I go to rehearsal. I feel that I am part of something special, and I get energized differently. No matter how small a role I play, I am a key ingredient. Without me, the show could probably still go on, but it’d be a different show :P There’s so much support from the rest of the cast that I feel comfortable enough to dig myself out of my shell. There’s a lot of comfort zones to step out of, that’s for sure, and I still have a lot of work to do (there’s always work).

I was so excited when I got the call from Stevie asking me if I’d accept a role in her play. OF COURSE! I was at my friend’s place and I jumped up and down with excitement and a smile that stretched from ear to ear. I had auditioned the day before for fun, knowing that most likely I will be last picks for everyone and anyone, and only if needed. I went into the it for an experience of “what it’s like to go to an audition”. I came out of it with a fantastic story to present and a wonderful director, who I’ve worked with 4 times before already — she as an actor and I as head carpenter, assistant stage manager, filmmaker, and stage manager— to pull me out of my “shell”.

Actually, I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said I am working with one of the people who sparked my interest in theatre. I am super excited and fortunate to have been handed this role, and I am very eager to see how I’ll grow —as an actor and as a person.

Acting Journal Entry #3

So tomorrow (Saturday, Oct.24th) we will hit the 1 full week of rehearsal mark. Time sure flies. 6 days into rehearsal, I am still discovering things as Petra the servant.

Every time I go on stage I feel different. Every time I go on stage I try to remember all that I have to think about before I say my line or perform an action (actually that would probably be a lie — such much as I want to remember all the notes that Stevie gave me and the general stuff that I have to be aware of, I just focus on delivering my lines loud and clear, and carry through the actions that accompanies that particular line, if any). It’s so hard to take note of all the things that you have to be aware of on stage when you’re just trying to get something right line-wise and blocking-wise.

Having said that, I enjoyed experimenting with different kinds of gestures, postures, and entrances. Thanks to my ensemble, too, for giving me ideas and helping me come up with more movement scores. I also paid close attention to what’s going on in the room (the stage/space) and reacted to what’s being said while staying in character. I think I am slowly finding Petra.

Although it’s kinda strange for me that when I’m on stage I’m Petra and when I’m not I’m myself. I find it hard to distinguish myself from Petra, or Petra from myself sometimes. I feel very much like a servant (almost all the time) in my life even though I’m living life and going through the daily routines like everyone else. I (me; Jessica) treat people (friends, mostly) exceptionally well, and am often the invisible person since I don’t talk much if I don’t know who I’m hanging out with well. This is so similar to Petra!!!

She treats people well because, well, it’s her job. Her sole purpose in the play is to serve the house of the earl, and she’s invisible most of the time since there are other far more important things going on that it hasn’t come to the point where the master chats up with his servant. She is the quiet observer, and so am I. A bit voyeuristic, if you will.

Anyway, I digress. I’ve gone slightly off topic. I also realize that in my last entry (Journal #2), I have illustrated the same idea in different ways. I apologize for the repetition. That’s what happens when you get your writing bug at 1 or 2 in the morning.

I will gather more of my thoughts and continue in entry #4… stay tuned!

Acting Journal Entry #2

So this weekend marks my first ever rehearsals as an actor (as opposed to being a stage manager or some production thing). What is it like / how do I feel, you ask?

Well, first and foremost… exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because I finally get to see what it’s like on the other side of the desk, and scared because I don’t have any experiences performing in theatre. I have made a lot of discoveries in the past two days, most of them during today’s rehearsal.

I found that as actors, you have a lot of choices to make (in regards to your character). Sometimes you have to make that decision right on the spot. Sometimes it’s finicky and you have to play around to feel it out. You have to use your imagination A LOT. Way more than I thought… then you would have to know the details about your character (how they lived, what their room looks like, their daily routines, etc; basically what their lives would be like).

Because I am playing a servant, named Petra, in the play The Virgin and the Unicorn, it is hard for me to decide on my relationship to the other characters. I feel indifferent to them most of the time, and that choice made it really hard for me to decide on some things about her. Sometimes during a river I would be indecisive about a choice / object because I am still trying to understand Petra. Then we would have to move on to the next thing, but I was still unsure about the previous decision. So quite frequently I find myself trying to catch up to instructions & holding off on those decisions later. Even if I think about it for a long time, I wouldn’t quite know what the answer is.

Another thing that makes it hard is to be aware of the audience and their sight lines because our stage is a shallow thrust. Sometimes you could be closed off entirely to one side of the audience, and sometimes you could be blocking another character on stage. There are a lot of decisions that I have to make (that are not obvious in the text) and I have to be aware of my relationships with the other characters. There are just so many things to think about at any given moment, and that’s what makes acting for the theatre hard.

I could say that playing a small role is easy because I don’t have a lot of lines and I don’t do much except stand there and look my best. But it’s not. Playing a small role is difficult because you have to make a lot of decisions [with ambiguous answers]! As Petra, I get to experiment a bit because there is quite an amount of freedom and room for exploration. (Good thing…)

I can’t wait to go notebook shopping for my script!!! I am going to find that perfect little notebook that will hold the play together nicely (and make sure it lasts because I would want to keep this. After all, this is my acting DEBUT). I will also think more about Petra and find out who she is. I can’t wait!!! :D

P.S. I am also challenged by the difficulty of the letting go of my SM instincts. It’s hard considering most of the theatre stuff I have done so far are stage-management related. Stevie, the director, had to snatch spike tape away from my hands today… I hope that was a good enough warning to knock the SM senses out of me :P