Purple Wristband

Purple Wristband

Circles my hand

Serves as a reminder

For a night that I will for sure remember

After that conversation

I begin to look into our situation

I have long felt a connection

For which I am craving satisfaction

So help me to understand

Purple wristband

Lead me to his hand

Magic Does Happen

I didn’t intend on staying up on Monday night. But alas, I still had 3 unfinished assignments when I looked at the clock, which read 3:39 AM. I thought I would turn in for the night (or morning?) since I haven’t had enough sleep the past couple of days (from pulling an all-nighter on Sunday night to finish an essay).

I turned off the computer and the big lights in my room. Then I suddenly remembered the Leonid Meteor Shower event. I looked out my window and could only see a little part of the sky. I turned off all the lights for more visibility and changed in the dark. The stars were so bright in the sky after the rain clouds drifted away.

I decided to take the risk of being scalded for not being in bed yet and went downstairs to find mom in front of the computer, like she always is at this hour. I told her to come upstairs with me to look at the shooting stars. She got excited, too, and followed me immediately.

We blocked out the bright street lamp shining right outside our windows on the pathway behind our house. It was hard to squint at the dark sky from inside the house. So we decided to head outside despite the low temperature. I put my ski jacket on top of my pj’s and went to the balcony.

The sky was so clear after the rain. The stars shone brightly and the big/ small dipper were visible as well as Mars. We stood with our heads tilted as if the back of our heads were connected to our back. For the next little while we pointed and looked at different parts of the sky. There were only about a couple of the big ones and a bunch of small ones.

Mom asked if I had made a wish upon seeing one. But they were going by too fast. One blink and they’re gone. So there wasn’t really time to make a wish. Then after a while I saw a bunch of small ones that weren’t clear at all, as if they were behind a screen of dust. I wonder if it’s just my tired eyes playing tricks on me. Mom said it’s only because they’re so far away from us. We stood outside for about half an hour in the cold dark night. But the feeling was warm.

It was the first time both of us ever saw shooting stars, and it was a magical experience.

5:55am

Here I am at 5 minutes to 6 in the morning. Why? I just pulled my 2nd all-nighter of the semester, and I have possibly written the worst paper in the entire history of my academic life. My one consolation: it’s okay. You did your best. Now move onto the other assignments that you still have yet to finish before this week really starts. GO!

Ugh. It’s just my luck. I can’t believe 3 major assignments from Screenwriting, Film theory, and Directing and Acting are all  due this week! In these two days specifically.

And I’ve dragged on my video project for long enough —I was much busier before with rehearsals and what not— that I have decided to shoot my video this Wednesday. Man, I don’t even know how to end the story. I don’t have a lot of time to plan out my shot list…

So I guess in one aspect, I totally expected that I’d fail Nanowrimo. But I thought I could manage my time better than I had been doing. Like now. Guess I didn’t factor in how much responsibility the Christmas Production really is (even though I am hardly doing anything). I really wanted to start writing my story. Well, not MY story but the story I want to tell. One that I kinda want to experience for myself first? But I don’t think I ever will so it’s like I’m writing out my fantasy? I don’t think I am making sense. But looking at a page filled with words makes me a little satisfied. Especially with the word counter just below this space.

AHhhhhhh I completely forgot about my enrollment appointment later tonight!!!

ohhh my godddd… WHY DOESN’T LIGHTNING STRIKE ME NOW?

Acting Journal Entry #8

The final and last entry —for now. If I ever act again, I’ll continue to document my experiences. But now that The Virgin and the Unicorn has ended its fabulous sold-out 2 nights run, my first acting journey has also come to a close. I feel reluctant to write about it, because that’ll just mean IT REALLY HAS ENDED. Post-show depression, we call it… and the depression is different this time from an actor’s stand-point. Strange. So I keep myself entertained by admiring the unicorns I made and looking at the pictures mom and I took of those unicorns.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be before shows. I was ready for the show to start as soon as house was open. That 15 minutes of waiting ’till the house was full seemed like forever. The audience’s chatter made them sound just as excited and ready as I was backstage holding the gored poodle.

I practiced my lines as I waited, saying them a few times to make sure I was being articulate. Then finally it came time for me to get ready to enter from the side. My heart began pounding as soon as the audience could see me…

Our opening night was our best run ever (in my opinion). Our energy was just superb (guess the audience’s excitement was infectious -they laughed in all the right places) and we picked up on our cues pretty well. Closing night wasn’t bad either —the audience was uproarious in laughter, more so than opening night— but somehow I felt unsatisfied by the way I delivered my “I don’t know” line. That moment wasn’t my best effort, to be honest. But overall the show was still a strong solid performance.

That was the end. The end of my acting journey for now. Thanks for every single one of you that was involved in this production for making my acting debut so enjoyable -or, as Milty put it “it’s been fantastic witnessing your stage virginity being taken away”. A special thanks goes out to Stevie, who let me be a part of her wonderful project and believed in me. I couldn’t ask for a better ensemble! I had lots of fun working on this show and hope you did, too!

Acting Journal Entry #7

1) Our lighting designer is really sick. She didn’t show up for cue-to-cue on Monday because she was in the hospital. Barry helped a little, but it wasn’t satisfactory. Good thing we had others’ help. Hope you get better soon, Celina!

2) I got soooooooo distracted during Tech Dress because the stage management crew wasn’t doing their job. I really wanted to instruct them to do this and that (because I know that’s what should happen having been through this countless times) but I can’t!!! It’s not my place to do so, and Stevie would kill me if I go all techie… I am an ACTOR in this show. ACTOR. Not tech/crew. ACTOR. Or so I keep telling myself.

If I see the back curtain all messy, I sneak to the back, lift the pole that’s weighing it down, pulls the masking straight, stand up quickly, and hope no one notices me. Afterall, I AM AN ACTOR. I shouldn’t be fixing the curtains, I shouldn’t be peeling spike tape off the floor, and I really shouldn’t care about what the eff the stage management team is doing. BUT when they’re not doing their job… anyway, I shouldn’t be saying this. Nor should I be judging… It was just bothering me soooo much to the point that it took me out of my character for the entire tech dress. I was entirely out of it for that run and I totally did Petra injustice by playing her so badly.

After the run, we were sent back to large dress for notes as the other group did their run in the black box. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I was in a room with hard-working and well-trained actors because I had let them down. I didn’t dare meet their eyes. If my skin was transparent, you’d probably see a fight inside my body: my blood rushing through my veins telling me to just do it all the while my brain is sending signals down my nerves to tell my body to calm down. It was an internal struggle, and I tried to vent, but telling the other actors of course didn’t help (they were being too easy on the SMs —or am I being too harsh?). So I just shut the hell up and kept it to myself. I tried running in the hallway, I tried singing Sleepsong in the stairwell where it echoed well, and I tried retreating in a corner to practice my lines to calm myself. None helped.

Then it came time for us to go back into the space again to rework some stuff (we didn’t have time to run through the entire play again). Thank god Ray took control of the lights so while he was fixing some cues, I grabbed Stevie and talked to her in the dark. I told her that I was having a hard time letting go of my techie instincts, and that it’s bothering me so much to the point that I cannot focus or bring myself in in the playing space. Having been through this numerous times herself (and having been on both sides of the table), she understood what I was going through. A spiel of rants and a couple of hugs later, I felt better. At least I was able to focus when it came time to go back on stage again.

Later that night we basically did what we were supposed to do the night before: cue-to-cue. We fixed a lot of lighting cues and were sent home. I, however, volunteered myself to be a ’stand-in’ even though it was already quarter to eleven at night. So I stayed. I took my wrench, got on a ladder, hung a light and focused it. I could tell my techie skills needed some polishing, as I had forgotten to unplug before loosening the c-clamp. Nevertheless that hour and a half of playing around with lights and gobos was exactly what I needed to kick the techie instinct aside.

It no longer affected my acting tonight at Dress Rehearsal (well, partly because Gary was there -on headset- and partly because there was an audience). But I was able to overlook the things that was making me uneasy and just focus on being Petra. I was still nervous though, this time because I was performing, for the first time ever, in front of an audience!

[Whew, they don't call them directors for nothing! If I didn't talk to Stevie then, I think I would have had an actor's nervous breakdown]

Acting Journal Entry #6

We’re opening in TWO DAYS!!!

I am not nervous yet. I got nervous sitting in the audience at week one’s performances on Friday. I knew that in a week’s time, me and the people on stage will have switched places… Actually, thinking about it just now makes me a little jittery. Friends are coming to see me act for the first time ever -on stage, and I hope that they will be entertained. (It sucks that I won’t be able to reserve more than two tickets. I can’t guarantee if my friends will get to see the show!)

I think (and hope) that I have figured out who Petra is. Or, at least I have figured out the part of her that we see. During Sunday’s rehearsal, we worked the last scene of the play a few times with different intentions. That really helped my emotional journey and determined what we leave the audience with at the end of the play. Did I ever tell you that I have the last line in the play? Even though we’ve already been rehearsing for two weeks, this play is still very intriguing and exciting to be a part of.

By the way, if you would like to come see the show, just pick up tickets at the Box Office after 6pm on the day of (Thursday or Friday). But no reservations are allowed anymore (‘cept cast/crew each gets 2) so you’d better show up early, pick up a ticket to guarantee your seat, and chill out somewhere. Or grab a bite to eat. The dress rehearsal on Wednesday is open to the public as well, and I highly encourage you to attend that one so we make room for Thurs/Fri shows. SFU Theatre Studio II 7pm.

NaNoWriMo

In less than 2 days, I will be attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. This is my first time participating in the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).

In order to write 50k words in 30 days, I’d have to write a minimum of 1,667 words per day. You might think I’m crazy to do this while taking 5 classes, 2 of them theory and reading/writing intensive. On top of that, I am in rehearsal for the first week of November, then I have to do my video project for this semester. Well, maybe I am just a tad insane to have taken this on. But I love a good challenge. Without challenges, what do I strive for in life?

Wish me luck! :)

Acting Journal Entry #5

So, for the past couple of rehearsals, we’ve been working mostly on scene two. And I’m not in scene two at all. So that means I get to take it easy, rest well, get more sleep, and prepare myself for the next rehearsal.

Honestly, I don’t miss acting that much. But I do miss the rehearsals, which I am not required to stay (at least for the last two rehearsals).

Meanwhile, I still think a lot about Petra. Even though we’re suppose to leave everything (emotion-wise) in the playing space after each rehearsal (through the process of “hunker”), I feel that she is always a part of me.

I am still excited every time I go in the space as Petra —mostly because I have the last line in the play, but also because I am  inconspicuous yet  observant in the house of Dumphrey. She is a pretty straight-forward character to play. I am still struggling with the “yes no” line though. I need to find meaning to those yes and no’s. I can’t quite grasp what each one means. So I still think that I can play that line better… I just need to do more work.

Alright, this entry is pretty much the shortest. I don’t really have anything to say (acting-wise) except that I finally go through the past weekend. It was a straight 5hr rehearsal, 7hr film shoot, less than 5hrs of sleep, and 7hrs of rehearsal in two days. Insanely busy and physically exhausting.

Anyway, Kugler is coming to our run(s) tomorrow. I am not nervous. Yet. Should I be? “Yes no yes no yes no. Now I’ll worry and worry.”

tHIS iNCURABLE dISEASE

Sadness and stress. Those two words seem to surround my life this semester. And they usually go hand in hand. The more stress I have the sadder I become. The sadder I become the stress increases even more. There’s no way to end the cycle! Ridiculous!

I have friends who are in the same boat, too. It’s rather unfortunate that we’re all going through somewhat familiar emotions. I blame it on the courses we’re taking this semester. For some reason our year’s cohort feels like the most depressing film students ever in SFU history. Seriously. What we went through last year when we made our films in groups, or things/ideas that we want to express through our films, etc all seem pretty pessimistic (but hopefully the end results are glorious). The classes are too heavy. It seems that we are not ready to handle or discuss anything in seminars, or that we’re not always handing assignments in on time. Plus there’s the expectation from the instructors that we have to meet. I hate to say this, but those people are fairly demanding. And it’s starting to get to us. In a word: overwhelming.

However, hopefully in the times of overwhelming pressure, which can cause sadness, there are ways to cope with it. For my self, I think writing, or the process of writing, helps to calm me down or at least clear my head of cluttered thoughts, and therefore takes things off my mind and reduces some stress. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been blogging way too much these past couple of weeks. But it also creates some unwanted pressure on my own part. Since I’m writing here, it means that I’m not writing anywhere else. I am using up my writing minutes in a day, and after a couple of hours of keying away words, I will have to take a break from it. But I need to be writing somewhere else, specifically for school when there’s an impending assignment (treatment, paper, script, etc.) to hand in on time. I think I’ve been putting too much thought into these blog posts and not enough into my school work.

As much as I love writing, I better not fail any classes…

(I actually started this post out wanting to discuss if counselling / therapy are really as helpful as people think or claim to be. I feel that a lot of times we just need a third party/person to talk to and to see things from a different perspective, or to dump the emotions we’ve been keeping to ourselves. They may be trained in reading the subtleties of our every movement or behaviour, or how the brain / thought / response works, but they are still just as human as us. NOTE: This is just my opinion. By no means am I trying to offend people who are in therapy/ seeing a psychiatrist or seeking psychological help. But I do apologize in advance if you are offended by this view.)

What Am I Doing Here?

Lots of questions swimming in my head. And I know I won’t be able to address them all in one sitting, plus I’ve already forgotten some of the questions that I was going to discuss.

I visit PostSecret every Sunday sometimes for inspiration and sometimes to get a laugh at the secrets that are revealed on anonymous postcards. Today was no exception. I came upon one that made me read it twice to actually get what it’s trying to say:

I realized (and kind of relieved) that I’m not the only one who feels this way —that God is sort of like an omnipotent version of our dads. I know this is not the “correct” depiction nor is it justified, but I’d like to think my dad as a god-like figure. He was everything and so much more for our entire family.

I admit, when I used to pray, I would imagine as if I am talking to my dad, who was working overseas. We communicated through the phone daily, and there would be 3 or 4 month gaps where I didn’t see him at all. There I draw the resemblance to God, who I don’t see (or have never seen), and the communication is one-way. But I know He’s there. Out there somewhere.

Now, perhaps you would say that I stopped praying after my dad passed away. In some way that’s totally on the ball, but I would like to think that it’s something else, something even more complicated than just a death.

Anyway, you don’t have to understand what I’m saying. There’s too much to put down and not enough time for me to elaborate my thoughts because as much as I’d like to, I don’t think I should stay up writing if I have to sacrifice sleep. I mean, writing is important, but at the moment it’s just not my top priority.